Turning into Sidhu Jyatha

I spent another deliciously restful and deeply satisfying week in Kolkata with my daughter and Swarnava. In a hundred little ways I am growing luckier as I grow older: not only because I am better off and Kolkata is a slightly nicer place to live in than in the 1980s (if you don't have to move about much!), but also because I have far less to worry about, far fewer people I have to pretend to respect and loving people to look after me. God, I can't stop saying how thankful I am. After life's fitful fever I relax well.

The last week, what with the early arrival of the monsoon, was rainy all through, and that was a big bonus, though the spells in between were horribly sultry when the air conditioners were switched off. My daughter says I always bring the rains along with me, whether in Delhi or in Kolkata, and indeed it has happened over and over again!

I was very well fed, and though I do not in general much enjoy eating out, the trip to China Town (Tangra) to dine at Golden Joy was a real treat; so was the Irani food that Pupu ordered in from sodabottleopenerwala, Berry Pulao and something else whose rather exotic name I have, unfortunately, forgotten.

Having found a lot of time to ease back and reflect - my favourite pastime lifelong - I mused over how much was repeating itself, only in a less vexing way. The college kids I looked at while driving past looked so similar to my own contemporaries from more than forty years ago that it seemed time had stopped. The lights are brighter, the streets are leafier, the power cuts almost a thing of the past. Hand-drawn rickshaws have nearly vanished, and even the toto-wallahs are far more likely to wear jeans and T-shirt than lungi and gamchha. A/c buses, autos and Rapido bike services have made hanging from bus doors history, and when all the Metro routes start functioning, travelling around will be as comfortable as it is in Delhi. 

Pupu and Swarnava keep asking anxiously every time whether I enjoyed my stay. Let this be on record: these days I come back only to make some more money while it is still to be made, and because there are a few dogs which are always delighted to see me back. Indeed, loving dogs now wait for me both here and there. More and more I incline to agree with Pupu's views on a lot of things - the girl has tried long and hard -  including the legend on her T-shirt: 'I like dogs more than people', sad though that makes me to admit it. My favourite boys have moved away, the girls have all forgotten me, as I should have expected them to, and Durgapur has given me only two things of long-term value: a livelihood and a low-cost, relatively quiet lifestyle. Any day Pupu migrates to some still-remote hill station and asks me to come along, I shall wind up here for good and move, lock stock and barrel, once and for all. And if I can still be of some practical use to them, whether it be housekeeping or nannying kids or writing stuff, I shall be quite fulfilled. Once my mother passes away, and I pray it is not too long now, I shall be the oldest member of my immediate family, and all I shall demand from God and man is that I be left in peace, until it is time for me too - my fondest dream for a long time has been to go like Don Vito Corleone.

For the young, life is all dreams, for the old, life is all memories. Very true for me. And since the memories are not uniformly good, I choose to dwell more and more on the good ones, shoving aside the rest. I wish readers would hark back to posts like Looking back, and Looking back once more, to find out how I do it. I also evaluate more and more (or 'judge', to use a currently popular buzzword - strictly inside my mind, of course) what has happened to me, what I have done, what I could have avoided and done better and so on. Strangely, I do not find much that I could have changed; I certainly don't think that given the circumstances, there was much that I could have actually avoided or done better. One thing I am not doing at my stage in life is trying to look, feel and act younger, whether that be by frequenting the gym or dressing a la mode or using fashionable slang or riding a heavy, noisy motorbike. I am happy the way I am - even with the no-frills, no nonsense style in which I am telling stories on YouTube - and if that draws people to me or drives them away, I am indifferent. It's people who tell me I don't look old or that I should do things to look and sound young who get my goat. Why can folks never be satisfied with the way they are, and why do they try so hard to impose their dissatisfaction on others?

One of my biggest regrets - one which I shall probably leave the world with - is that though my country has grown materially richer over my lifetime, as visible almost everywhere (see the fourth paragraph), it has definitely grown culturally poorer overall, whether you think in terms of things like congestion and pollution, or the general and huge decline of manners, intelligence, empathy and general knowledge in the sense of 'well stocked minds', helpful friendliness and such. So on the whole, to my mind at least, India remains a very unpleasant country to live in: and for those of us who wanted all along to see that she was 'developing', it is a deeply upsetting thing. You cannot even walk down a street without brushing past people talking about nothing but money, when they take a break from cricket or politics. Tragic, for a country which boasts ad nauseum about how culturally rich we are. Meanwhile, as a teacher, I shall probably retire with a deep sense of regret and failure, because too many of my students have become merely 'successful' (and that too, in a very petty middle class sense: no Ambanis and Dhonis and SRKs or Sundar Pichais among them!), and very few that I can boast about as truly good human beings in whose mental development I was proud to play a part. It is true, of course, that 99% of the parents expected nothing more from me than good exam scores, so I suppose I gave good value for money... but I didn't get much of what I had been looking for beyond making a living, that's for sure. Maybe that's true for every man?

I was exulting over crossing the one million page views milestone just a few months ago, and now, almost unnoticed, another 100,000-plus has been added to that number. Funny. I wonder, for the umpteenth time, which people keep reading, and why I get so little feedback. Some bloggers are much luckier. But anyway, maybe I shall have to stay satisfied with the little conversations I have here with that very small number who do keep commenting, and who are a pleasure to respond to, because they too can think and feel. That is a very vital reason why a liberal arts education is becoming more and more essential with the passage of time, though too few people yet recognize the need... civilization needs more and more people who can think and feel for themselves, not mere specialists who have no life of the mind and have become for all intents and purposes flesh and blood robots blindly following Standard Operating Protocols and 'systems'.

Well, anyway, as Tagore wrote, 'orey bheeru, tore upore nai bhuboner bhaar' (O coward, the world's responsibility has not been placed upon your shoulders)! So I guess as the years pass by, I shall more and more mind my own business. What that 'business' is likely to be hereafter, that is the question.

That's what I look like now, relaxing at home in the evening after classes, perusing the pipe - a habit I have revived after I guess more than two decades. One dear ex student commented that I look like Feluda's Sidhu Jyatha, and I am thrilled to bits.