Now, to answer the questions that I myself raised at
the end of the last post on this subject.
Materially speaking, I had a difficult early life,
though we were never exactly poor, made harder still because in my mid-teens we
abruptly fell on hard times, and then there was a long struggle before I was
comfortably off again and reasonably secure in an Indian urban middle class
sense. That should be kept in mind if one is to appreciate what I am going to
say in the following paragraphs.
Two very helpful things happened to me early on that
made it much easier to cope with worldly life than it is for most people of my
class. One, I became intensely and empathetically aware of extreme poverty
around me, which made bearing my own cross, such as it was, a relative breeze
because I had made a habit of counting my blessings constantly, as few people
do. Two, I learnt early to define my own real (worldly) needs clearly and
definitively. There were things that were essential, things that were nice to
have or do but not really necessary for my physical and mental wellbeing, and
things that were most definitely unwanted, distasteful, harmful to my health,
pocket and peace. Interestingly, that set of values has never altered much,
only more and more items have by themselves moved from the second category to
the last. I must add a third thing here upon reflection: ever growing contempt
and lack of pity for people who waste their lives endlessly chasing the things
in the second and third categories. Here is an illustrative though not
exhaustive list of things in my three categories.
In the first were things like living in my own house, a
fixed and moderate work routine, a bit of regular leisure, occasional holidays
to travel in, lots of reading and watching movies and writing, not having to
kowtow to society and bosses at the workplace, much ‘quality time’ to give to
my daughter (and now mother), money enough to fulfill every basic need of the
family, including education, healthcare, insurance and saving for old age, and
much scope for adda with likeminded
people. Through economy, diligence, persistence and God’s grace I have achieved
all that, though some of it took time (so what? Only makes the achievements
sweeter).
In the second category came things like swimming round
the year, going frequently to beautiful places abroad, savouring haute cuisine now and then, becoming
‘famous’ for my work, living in a much cleaner, quieter, greener, more orderly
place with a much more temperate climate and suchlike. I have enjoyed a bit of
all that, and I hanker less and less for them with the passage of years, except
perhaps for the last.
In the third category come all the things that most
people around me run after all through life – everything from high scores in
examinations to fancy weddings and regular parties at posh hotels and
constantly replaced fashionable clothes, shopping for and flaunting branded
goods of all kinds, obsessing over looks, counting ‘likes’ on social media and,
above all, doing things simply because ‘everybody’ around them is doing the
same, from watching cricket on TV to going on pilgrimages to seeking a job in
Bangalore or Umrica. I have tasted most such things, found all of them
unnecessary or downright silly and annoying after a bit, so I stopped wanting these
things for myself early on, nor do I want them for my daughter. As I said
earlier, I feel only contempt and complete lack of pity for the ‘sufferings’ of
such people, because they have brought all that suffering – from severe indebtedness
to poor health, perpetual frustration, jealousy, discontent and depression –
upon themselves. Tagore describes them with these words: ami joto bhaar joraye phelechhi/ sokoli hoyechhe bojha (I have
entangled myself with a burden which is hard to carry).
Many sad and bad things have happened to me, and will
continue to happen, yet I have walked through my life with on the whole much
less angst and misery than most. Tell me, reader, can you see how being
‘spiritual’ has helped me all along the way, or do I have to spell it out even
further?
And this was only the passive aspect of being spiritual – not being affected overmuch by
the ways of the world. I would not have ventured to write such a long and
involved series of essays unless I was sure there was a positive side also –
being able to ‘enjoy’ this worldly life (despite always having known that ‘Life
is sorrow’) much more than the average individual because I have been spiritual
for most of my life: at least since I started praying every night in
kindergarten. That is what I shall briefly touch upon next.
To begin with, I have had immense pleasure, while at
the same time acquiring knowledge of every kind, from reading all my life (I
always say that 90% of all I know came from outside syllabi and textbooks), and
listening to music. The same goes for writing, and I have been writing stuff
since I was a pre-teen. I have greatly enjoyed the gift of laughter, and
thousands of ex-students will vouch that I have shared it with them. I have
been a good listener to more people than I can remember or count, and, as I
have found out for myself, good listeners are desperately needed and very hard
to find. These things in turn have hugely helped in my professional work; even
more so the fact that through endless drudgery, disappointment and frustration
(so many people simply can’t or won’t learn), I have been able to regard my
work as a calling and not just a means of livelihood. I fear I would have burnt
out much sooner otherwise: teaching is not everyone’s cup of tea.
I have found time for lots of sleep, which, as the Bard famously wrote, ‘knits up the ravelled sleeve of care’, as also walked tens of thousands of kilometers, and while I am infinitely thankful for it, I congratulate myself that I could do it because I could determinedly cut off all kinds of distractions and silly engagements all along. I have eaten a lot of good food without falling ill, simply because I never overindulged my palate. I have trained myself not to be too unhappy about all the things that I supposedly wanted and did not get in this lifetime – and lo! it turned out by and by that I never really wanted those things very much after all, only imagined for a while that I did, from a particular girl to a particular job (hence the prayer ‘not my will, O Lord, but Thy will be done’ has become ever more profoundly meaningful). I have learned to bear pain and sorrow and loss without making too much fuss, especially in the traditionally prescribed demonstrative way. I no longer expect much by way of lasting love and companionship from human beings. This has been particularly hard to learn and accept, because I was born deeply emotional and expectant with a very long memory, but now it is well learnt: all I have to remind myself whenever I feel bad is that people are weak and confused and changeable, they like to cheat themselves and pretend what they do not feel, so anyone who is looking for true love simply must turn to either fairy tales or to God. I am sure that both for myself and my loved ones, death, if it comes at the end of a decently long life and without too much pain and shame and dragging along, should be welcomed with open arms. And, finally, that life only makes sense if one spends the largest part of it looking for That Which Stands Beyond – see Come to God, the last chapter of my book (and that was written more than twenty years ago, when I was far from being an old man).
All this is what I have tried and found out and
benefited from through my pursuit of spirituality as I understand it. Yoga and pranayam, mantras and wondering about God have filled the interstices, in case you haven’t noticed.
Though I have not once claimed that they are essential and primary, the
reflective reader will perhaps realize that in a very fundamental sense, they
are. Also, as some of my best readers have pointed out, I have said most of
these things here and there in a scattered way in numerous blogposts, so in a
sense I am saying nothing new. Indeed, there is nothing new about the pursuit
of spirituality: all that needs to be said has been said countless times over
thousands of years. The point is to help people understand how important,
necessary and life-changing it can be if they can see its urgent relevance in
the here and now. If I get to know that I have helped half a dozen people to
see it, my life’s work will have been well done.
By the way, I am delighted that this series of essays
has brought back an old favourite post of mine, The worship of the wealthy, into the most-read list. I should have
liked many more people to read up the post titled Socialism calling, part two, also.
Beyond this point, I should like to field questions, if there are any. Otherwise, I think I have now written enough on this subject.
